Benny and I are back since Saturday. More physically than mentally really. It always takes some time to get used to the "new" surroundings again. How quickly one gets used to old ways of living and a culture that is familiar to oneself. It almost felt as if England never existed. I know I probably shouldn't be writing a blog in this time of transition as it's bound to be somehow negative and sulky. I just can't seem to find a country in which I feel 100% settled and home. If I think about the priorities it's "whatever is best for my son". But then I think...a happy mummy equals a happy Benny, so where would I feel the most comfortable? I feel sorry for Ryon as he is under a lot of stress. Money issues. I'm only getting paid maternity leave until end of May. Then I think I should help him feel less stressed and go back to work early, but I can't seem to stand the thought of giving Bennet into care. *I* want to be the main caregiver at least until he's 3 years old. Shall we go back to Germany, shall we go to America? Shall we stay in England? These three question go through my head all the time and it's driving me mad. You don't have to come up with any solutions for me, just let me have a rant and I'll feel better! I miss Berlin, I miss having 3 big parks in walking distance, one of which has a busy outdoor cafe and a big playground where everyone gets together. I miss talking German and having people around. I feel lonely and isolated in Burnham.
6 comments:
Na dann quasseln wir halt ein wenig auf "german". Paulchen kann seit dem Wochenende laufen und hat sich gleich so ins Zeug gelegt, dass ihm wahrscheinlich die Beine die ganze Nacht geschmerzt haben... Die letzte Nacht lief schon besser und da ich dringend Schlaf benötige, hoffe ich dass es heute wieder klappt mit dem Durchschlafen.
Ich habe mir übrigens in der ersten Zeit, in der er in den Kindergarten gegangen ist oft eingeredet, dass ich nicht ausreichend für ihn da bin usw. Aber dann habe ich ihn mal eine Weile in der Kita beobachtete und habe gesehen was dort geboten wird, was ich nicht kann: Er hat eine Vielzahl von Freunden, die er regelmäßig sind und mit denen er sich beschäftigt. Er lernt dort Spiele und Lieder, die ich nicht kenne (und man kann nicht nur Bücher über Kinderspiele lesen :-)). Er lernt den Umgang mit den anderen Kindern, er lernt Kompromisse zu schließen, sich durchzusetzen, mal etwas nicht zu bekommen etc. pp
Man könnte diese Liste ewig fortsetzen. Sicher ist da jede Mutter anders. Aber im Endeffekt ist es das beste für uns alle. Ich kann mein Studium abschließen und bin deshalb glücklich, Torsten kann arbeiten gehen und sich irgendwie selbst verwirklichen und Paulchen hat Spaß und einen geregelten Tagesablauf.
So, das war jetzt erst einmal genug von mir, ich hole jetzt nämlich Paulchen ab ;-)
Denk einfach an das "Leben des Brian" ... always look on the bright side of life...
Liebe Grüße
Charlene
Milena -
1. I am glad you are back to Ryon safely. I know he missed you tremendously and we missed hearing about you and Bennet.
2. While I cannot understand the depth of your situation completely, I know what it is to have to struggle with what is financially best vs. personally best vs. best for your child and then trying to merge the three. To say it is a difficult decision is an understatement. It occupies seemingly every other thought and is weighed in on, directly and indirectly, by others all the time. I wish you peace and the confidence to follow your heart.
3. You, Ryon, and Bennet are loved.
Ellen
Hi Milli
Wish we could help you to sort out the decisions that you face. It sounds like you are approaching this with the right perspective. You're thinking things through. You're trying to prioritize. This is all good. Bottom line, take care of family and what's important for all of you. Each one of you has needs to be met and all of the sacrificing will have to be done by you and Ryon, since Bennet is not in position to make his own decisions. From my own experience, just finding a quiet place to pray or to think things through without outside distractions can be helpful in sorting through a lot of possibilities. And always remember that you have a support system in place that you can rely on in us, your family. On the bright side: you've got a beautiful child, a loving husband, your health, and two sets of parents and siblings that love you and care for you. You've got a job if you want it, a place to live and you're together. That's better than many people can say. You have choices to make and most are good whatever you chose. Things are going to work out. You are in control. Love
Hal and Maritta
Verstehe ich Ryons Eintrag richtig? Wollt ihr in die USA oder fährt er "irgendwo" hin bzgl. eines Jobs???
LG aus Berlin und ich hoffe es geht dir gut.
Charlene
schade, mir wurde der eintrag erst heute angezeigt, obwohl ich regelmäßig nach neuigkeiten schaue. schreibe dir bald noch mal ne mail meinen daten und was sonst so bei uns abgeht. knuddel, diana
Hi Milena, thanks for your comment on my blog. I wanted to email you back but I couldn't find your email address anywhere. I'm glad you found me. It's always interesting to speak to other people in similar situations. How old is your son now? I haven't read very much of your blog but Burnham isn't too far away from where we live. I'm sorry you feel isolated, have you tried your local NCT group? It was a lifesaver for me. For me, reading is the only thing I do for myself, so I make time for it. I always have. My boys come first, but like you said, if I'm happy they're happy. You definately need to find some time for you. Anyway, my email address is cailet723@hotmail.com if you ever want to chat...
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